1992 Oscars - 25 Years of Questionable Decisions (Actually Doesn't) Start Here

So my wife and I were watching the Oscars a few weeks ago (in a much less bloated and more enjoyable format than in years past) and it's a little less fun for me nowadays since, due to the twins, we rarely have seen most of the nominated movies prior to the show.  This year I clocked in at 4 out of 9, which is about par for the course these days.  Prior to the boys, we made it our quest to try and see every flick nominated (for better or for worse...I'm looking at you Extremely Loud and Incredibly Crappy...er...Close).  As a result, I'm on a 6 month delay basically to be able to declare to, well, nobody in particular I guess, what I thought the best movies were.  Thus, while Moonlight WAS excellent and I have no issue with it winning, I'm turning my attention to Oscars past.  Why?  Well, because I like to argue about movies.

Thus, let's go back 25 years, to a time before Iphones and Facebook, to a time before WiFi and a Starbucks on every corner, and to a time when I finally conquered the five feet tall threshold (unfortunately still not before a time with Donald Trump).  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 1992 Academy Awards.

Oh Billy.  My sweet Billy Bill Billy Boy.

We've had one-off hosts do interesting things and make the show their own, and we've had unmitigated disasters as well...but I still love me some Billy C.  This was the third of his 4 straight shows in a row and without remembering any of the details, let's just all assume he was charming and singy and wonderful. Okay? Okay. LYLAB Billy!!!

Your nominees for Best Picture:

Beauty and the Beast (Really? I totally forgot this happened.)

Bugsy (Ummm...what?)

JFK (fair enough)

Prince of Tides (oh dear)

Silence of the Lambs (hells yeah)

Let's take these one at a time:

Beauty and the Beast

This is a damn good movie...animated or not.  It holds up years later and has some really great musical numbers in it ("Beauty and the Beast", "Be Our Guest", and "Gaston" are standouts, though the failure to include C&C Music Factory's 1991 hit "Gonna Make You Sweat" was definitely a missed opportunity).  I mean, they're making a live action version of it now, so it definitely has legs.  Solid nomination.  Also, to the people all hot and bothered that the new movie is going to reveal that LeFou is gay....I hate to tell you this, but he was pretty gay in the cartoon version.  Oh, and who cares. 

Bugsy

This movie was fine, but definitely a bit too over the top stylish for my tastes.  Still, it was well received and all that jazz.  So fine, it makes sense to have made the cut.  Bonus points for Snoop Dogg dropping Bugsy Seagel's name in Tupac's song "2 of Amerikaz Most Wanted" - "but my dream is to own a fly casino like Bugsy Seagel, and do it all legal"

JFK

It's been a looooooong time since I've seen JFK, and I just remember being alternately interested and confused for 3 hours.  Though to be fair, anyone who gets into the various theories about JFK's assassination pretty much ends up in the same interested and confused space.  I don't vouch for the accuracy of anything in this (or the accuracy of anything Oliver Stone ever says or does), but it's a pretty cool flick.  Also, when I visited the assassination site in Dallas in my early 20s, I planned to be very somber and respectful, then by the end I pretended to gun down people from the grassy knoll.  I am not a good person.  Oh, the movie? Nomination is okay by me.

Prince of Tides

Since 15 year old JC was not knocking over people to see this one, I didn't see it until much, much later.  And it's...good?  I mean, it's one of those movies where you say "It's really well done, and the acting is excellent."  But it's just the type of movie that always used to get nominated - family struggles in a white family with famous people in it. (think Ordinary People)  Apparently this was BARBRA's second film she directed, so...good for her!  

Mecha Streisand during the shooting of Prince of Tides

But none of the above really mattered because 1991 was when...

Silence of the Lambs happened. 

Holy hell this movie is awesome.  It was awesome in 1991. It was awesome when I finally lost my virginity in....a year that shall not be named.  It is just as awesome in 2017.  (Maybe I should be clear, I didn't lose my virginity WHILE watching Silence of the Lambs or anything, it was just a year between when it came out and now and I'm going to stop talking and move on now)  It's exceedingly well directed and shot and the pacing couldn't be better.  Jonathan Demme knows how to build suspense and the tension is ratcheted and released throughout the film. (I actually had to look up what else Demme has directed, and I've only seen a handful of them - Philadelphia, the Manchurian Candidate remake, Rachel Getting Married....interesting career.)

Everyone immediately thinks of Anthony Hopkins performance when they picture the movie, and rightfully so.  With all due respect to Manhunter's Brian Cox, Hopkins is Lecter and he owns the screen in his brief time on it. 16 minutes is all the screen time he gets...16 minutes!  Yet the majority of my memories in the film are those explosively quiet interactions with Jodie Foster, who won the Oscar herself yet whose performance seems to be overshadowed by Hopkins' in the public conscience.  But damn is she great in this movie.  She shifts between emotions effortlessly, but never fails to communicate the ongoing battle inside between the steel in her resolve and the emotional scars that forged it.

As great as Hopkins and Foster are, Silence wouldn't be the movie it is without the fantastic execution of the character the FBI is chasing throughout the movie...that of Buffalo Bill.  How a suspense/horror movie became eminently quotable is almost solely due to Ted Levine's performance which somehow manages to be campy, real and genuinely disturbing all at the same time.  "It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again."  "I'd f*** me." "Was she a great big fat person?"  He is subdued and yet dialed up to "10" at the same time. 

Most importantly, how out of character was this Best Picture Winner?  It's a drama, but otherwise bears no resemblance to recent best picture winners at all.  Dances With Wolves. Driving Miss Daisy.  Rain Man. The Last Emperor....etc.  The 80s were all about dramas, primarily emotional personal/family ones or big sweeping epics.  THIS PICTURE IS ABOUT TWO SERIAL KILLERS, ONE WHO EATS PEOPLE'S FACES AND THE OTHER WHO MAKES CLOTHING OUT OF WOMEN'S SKIN!!!  And it won best picture.  I love it.

What should have been nominated?

1. Silence of the Lambs (obvs)

2. Boyz N the Hood - RIP Ricky. (though his character did get name dropped in "Norf Norf") Movie was too black for the Oscars back then, but what a flick. 

Pointbreak (just kidding..kind of...was there a more rewatchable movie from 1991? NO THERE WAS NOT! "I AM AN FBI AGENT!")

3. Beauty and the Beast - I'm cool with this being in there.

4. Terminator 2: Judgment Day - It's my Oscars, so I'm putting in the biggest, baddest movie of the year.  "Youuuuuuuuu could be miiiiiiiiiyyyiiiiiine!!!!!"

5. JFK/Thelma and Louise - I'd be good with either of these being #5.  Bonus points to JFK for being a key movie in the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game and bonus points to Thelma and Louise for unleashing Brad Pitt on the world. 

What should have won?

Academy Big Board got it right.  Silence of the Lambs 4 EVA yo!

Kevin Durant's Free Agency

This is how I imagine Kevin Durant's Free Agency going...

"This team is cool and all, but Oklahoma City kind of sucks and everybody likes me. Yay Free Agency!"

"Hey remember us! We almost beat the Warriors. Please come back."

"Why is Ibaka in that picture? Didn't we trade him?"

"Better?"

"I guess. Kind of weird though."

"Hey KD! I'm on the Thunder now! I brought my own basketballs!"

"I like you Victor, but you look like a penis. Let me talk to the other teams."

"Come to LA!  It's fun here. We could be the big 4!"

"That sounds cool, but won't you guys have to trade Griffin to afford me?"

"Wait, what?"

"Nothing Blake.  Go get me a soda. (whispers) Yeah we'll get rid of him, don't worry."

"Then we'll just be the big 3. Plus, I think you're kind of a dick Chris. Next"

"Join us KD! We could win 75 games!"

"That sounds cool.  Will I still get my touches?"

"Totally. You can still score 25 a game.  You just have to wear my shoes."

"Oh god. I'm out. Next."

"Come to Boston KD.  The East blows! We could get to the Finals next year!"

"That sounds cool.  It's pretty cold there though, and I've heard Boston fans are rough."

"Nah, that's overblown.  They're salt of the earth people up here."

"Hi Kevin. Please come play for us. You can live with me if you want until you find a place. Well, me and my mom.  You sure do have a pretty jump shot and smile."

"Next!"

"Come back to Texas Kevin.  You're from here.  We're winners.  I'm the best coach in the NBA.  Join us."

"That all sounds good Pop.  With LaMarcus there, will I play more 4 with him at the 5?"

"YOU WILL PLAY WHERE I TELL YOU!!!"

"Whoah Pop.  What's wrong?  I just want some input."

"Let me go! I'm going to punch him in his stupid free agent mouth!"

"(Ducking) Next."

"Can we have a meeting?"

"No."

"What about us?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"But Kevin, we have this cutting edge offense I like to call 'the triangle".  It will mean you rarely have the ball."

"Why was that sad, confused old man talking to me?"

"Look at these rings. Look at this hair.  You're getting sleepy. Now repeat after me, you're coming to the Heat."

"Aren't all your best players like 35?"

"Haven't you ever been to South Beach?"

"Hi Kevin!"

"Focus Kevin! Focus! Next.  Wait...is that it?"

"We could play together again and..."

"Oh hell no."

"Hello? Hello. I'm looking for my teammate."

"Man, all these other teams are here.  If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen."

"I'm not letting you get rid of me.  How about that?"

"I know I shoot too much. I know that.  I make some really poor decisions and won't stop shooting 3s no matter what....But in the playoffs, our team had a very big run. A very, very big run.  But it wouldn't have been complete. Wouldn't have been in the same vicinity as complete without being able to share it with you."

"I miss you. I miss my KD.  We live in a cynical world, a cynical world.  And we play in a business of tough competitors.  I love playing basketball with you.  You -- complete me. And I just had..."

"Shut up. Just shut up.  You had me at hello."